College football Bottom 10 – Sun Belt’s rise shows there’s hope for everyone

Inspirational thought of the week:

If you can walk or crawl, we’re getting out of this hospital
And take this car as far as it goes
Lost and trampled, sunbelt scars remove all doubt
Hush up, this chapter is closed, no, this world is not just made of snow

— “Sun Belt Scars” by Banner Pilot

Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, behind the buckets, where my SEC network colleagues were puked up her Nashville Hot Chicken, we’ve been on the Sun Belt train for a long time. That said, we rode this wagon when not only did it not have a tape, but it was trying to roll on four flat tires.

We’re talking about the days not so long ago when the state of Georgia won bottom 10 championships. When Georgia Southern fans got mad at me for jokingly calling them Georgia Southern Not State. When ROCK was a joke for decades in the UTSA. When the only notable remarks about Coastal Carolina were that its field was teal and its mascot was a rooster, which Chaucer first wrote about.

Now, all of these teams are bowl season regulars. And thanks to the unforgettable Saturday of week two they and their conference cohorts conjured up, the cloud-breaking rays of the #FunBelt have sunburnt shoulders in the clueless seat pans of college football’s most storied venues, from College Station to Lincoln to South Bend. And the big three winners — Appalachian State, Georgia Southern, and Marshall — each got more than a million dollars to smack in the face of the superpowers who just signed those checks.

Good thing. Because some things need to be fixed at home.

With apologies to John David Crow, Johnny Rodgers, Paul Hornung and Steve Harvey, here are the top 10 rankings after week 2.

1. UMess (0-2)

2022 Minutemen Season Brief: Lost to TU, as at Tulane University, 42-10. Lost to UT, as in University of Toledo, 55-10. In two weeks they meet TU, as does the bottom 10 waiting list member, Temple University. But first they must tu-ssle with Stony Brook. The most famous former Seawolves s-TU-dent is Pat Benatar, Class of ’74, b-UT she dropped o-UT.


2. Huh-Why?-Yuh (0-3)

It’s easy to get distracted by the game the Rainbow Warriors have looming over the horizon on September 24 (see below), but first they’ll like a 1-2 FCS team at Duquesne — pronounced due-cane received in , dude, can we finally win a game this season?


3. Phew State of Mexico (0-3)

And here’s the week 4 game we were referring to, possibly the first pillow fight of the century 2022 as Hawaii travels to Las Cruces to take on the other Aggies who last week beat the UTEP of the bottoms Lost 10 waitlists. See? I told you it was over the horizon. About 3,209 miles above the horizon. But first, the state of New Mexico must travel 1,220 miles to Madison, Wisconsin for leg two of their Hey I’m Jerry Kill, Remember Me, From Minnesota, And I’m A Nice Guy, also Please Don’t Destroy Us Too Badly contest tour. (The other Aggies were beaten by the Golden Gophers in week 2.)


4. Charlotte 0-and-3s (0-3)

The 49ers were shocked by the Terrapins of Maryland 56-21 and are now up against a Georgia State team who should have joined the Week 2 Fun Belt bonanza by taking North Carolina at the artist formerly known as Turner Field was, defeated. Speaking of Georgia State Not Southern, a public service announcement: If you’ve won tickets from the Bad Ass Rock Show for this weekend’s game, don’t show up in Atlanta. They should be in Statesboro in the Georgia Southern Not State.

5. The Spirit of Dana X. Bible

From 1917 to 1928, head coach Dana X. Bible led Texas A&M to five Southwest Conference titles and two national championships. But in 1929 he went to Nebraska, where he won another six conference championships in eight seasons. How did he get this job? Because it had been rejected by their first pick, Notre Dame head coach Knute Rockne, who told Nebraska administrators he could not leave his beloved Fighting Irish, said, but added: “I commend a man about whom you probably know little.” to know. He’s Dana X. Bible at Texas A&M and I think he’s the best young coach in America. If you can get him, he’s your man. Oh, and Bible ended his head coaching career with a decade in Texas. One can only imagine Bible and Knute feeling bloated at a bar in college football heaven last Saturday as they watched their beloved Aggies, Huskers and Irish get smoked at the same time by the Sun Belt, let alone the the Horns’ playful lead against Bama. The comments were undoubtedly Dana X-rated.


6. South missed (0-2)

Social media was buzzing about The Boo at The U as Miami fans could be heard shouting in anger from the stands at Hard Rock Stadium. At the time, we all assumed their upset was directed at the home Hurricanes, who were stuck in an uninspiring 7-3 tractor pull with the Golden Eagles in the closing seconds of the first half. What we do know now is that fans were disgusted with shirtless Southern Miss head coach Will Hall holding his own personal wet t-shirt competition on the steamy South Florida sidelines.


7. U-Can’t (1-2)

In week zero, UConn lost to Utah State 31-20. Since then, USU has lost 55-0 to Alabama, which is totally understandable, but then fell 35-7 to Weber State, which is totally understandable. It’s also incomprehensible why the Huskies’ next two games will be against top-25 teams Michigan and NC State. What’s even harder to understand is why Michigan will have played three top-10 teams three weeks into the season. The Wolverines started with Hawaii, they’re about to face off with UConn and last weekend they…


8. State of Colora-duh (0-2)

Most in Centennial State will agree that it’s a complete bummer that Colorado state isn’t going up against Colorado in the Rocky Mountain Showdown anymore. Most in Mile High State agree that it’s a bunch of buffalo kaka that teams could do best by planning sporadic home-and-homes over the next two decades. But we can all agree that the absence will be felt most severely this year when both schools are 2-0 down and playing like their cleats have stepped in all that crap mentioned earlier.


9. The Akronmonious Buffaloed Baller Central State of Kent

While the #FunBelt was in party mode, poor #MACtion spent all Saturday looking like the morning after. The conference went 2-8 in non-conference games. Five teams are 0-2, broken by the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills and the 46-yard time-up TD throw allowed to the Holy Cross Crusaders, a team that obviously does a lot of Hail Marys but also seems to say a lot Hail Mary.


10. Boiling Green (0-2)

The Brown Falcons lost to Eastern Kentucky in seven overtime, the team was selected for third place in the FCS ASUN conference. Bowling Green erased a 14-point deficit with a 21-0 run, but EKU scored in the final rules game to force overtime, then stopped BGSU and responded with a score to win in the seventh OT. So if you were wondering why we removed Bowling Green from the previous list of MAC heartbroken teams, now you know it wasn’t by accident. Not only was her heart broken, she opened her own wing of the heart station.

waiting list: Temple of Doom, Colora-duh, ULM (pronounced “ulm”), the year 2022 BC. Chr., UTEP Minors, Phew Mexico, FI(not A)U, Minute Rice, the entire AFC South. College football Bottom 10 – Sun Belt’s rise shows there’s hope for everyone

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