AAnyone who has ever had access to an awkwardly placed mirror knows that sex rarely looks good. But you’d think Hollywood could make it seem that way. Actors are hot. The processing eliminates unpleasant position changes. Cameramen provide soft and flattering lighting.
But so often it feels like the makers of MILF and I’ve been a bad girl cheerleader porn offer a more nuanced portrayal of sex than some of the most talented directors out there.
To prove it, here is a list of some truly horrific cinematic sex.
From cliche sayings to over-the-top cum faces, these sex scenes will make you want to leave the room, and not just because your parents are sitting next to you on the sofa.
Read below for the worst ever sex scenes on film…
Name a more iconic movie line than “It’s turkey time!” “Gobble, gobble” – we’re waiting. These are the crazy words of Jennifer Lopez Gigli Character, a lesbian assassin who appears unable to resist the male attraction of…wait a minute…Ben Affleck. The line is an invitation to perform oral sex and you’ll have to watch the film to find out if he accepts. eh
Howard the duck
Cross-species coitus is admittedly a tricky concept to make sexy — something traumatized Howard the Duck viewers found out when Lea Thompson made out with her “so incredibly soft and cuddly” feathered friend. eh
Kill me softly
Few things are less exciting than Heather Graham and Joseph Fiennes getting tangled in a selection of silk ropes. Everything was made even more excruciating by Graham’s whispered off-voice: “I gave up all control, I loved it.” fifty shades of gray, eat your heart out. eh
It’s hard to pin down what’s worst about the dry humping scene in Bad Teacher. Is it the grunt? The chafing of denim? Justin Timberlake’s spinning hips? Justin Timberlake’s face at its peak? Justin Timberlake’s wet jeans? Please just let it stop. If not for Cameron Diaz, then for all of us. eh
Maps to the Stars
Julianne Moore asks Robert Pattinson verbatim, “Do you want to fuck my holes?” And, dear reader, it turns out he does indeed. He would like it very much. So you have very stressful looking sex in a car on the side of the road. And then it kind of gets worse – she gets out of the vehicle and wipes his cum off her leg with a scarf. eh
One of the most infamous sex scenes of all time is Madonna and Willem Dafoe experimenting with hot wax evidence. “My way,” the Queen of Pop murmurs as she sits astride Dafoe and pours melted wax and champagne all over his body before licking him up. It’s not a Mary Berry recipe, we can tell you that much. eh
Lots of things aren’t really right show girls, but the filmmakers really outdid themselves with Elizabeth Berkley and Kyle MacLachlan’s special splash in the pool. The combination of punches, gushing water, caressing fountains and ecstatic howls is the stuff of nightmares. eh
A pair of towering blue humanoids having sex doesn’t exactly scream erotic – and James Cameron’s attempts to shake things up even more with an odd, interlocking dreadlock depiction certainly didn’t help. eh
The room Widely regarded as one of the worst movies of all time – and the sex scene between Tommy Wiseau and Juliette Danielle is a big part of that. Why does he seem to be poking in her belly button? Why? eh
fifty shades of gray
There are many shades of evil in the sex scenes of this S&M series. But the worst must be when Christian ties her up, blindfolds her with his shirt and then lets an ice cube run over her whole body. From what misguided women’s magazine did he get this advice? AL.
basic instinct 2
This much-maligned sequel begins with Stan Collymore and Sharon Stone hurtling through Canary Wharf at 100 miles per hour. The two moan and giggle as she gropes for his shifter until they wreck the car and he dies. Not quite the happy ending he was hoping for. AL.
Wet hot American summer
Bradley Cooper and Michael Ian Black’s sex faces are so exaggerated they look like emojis. It’s hard to understand how campers reach these heights of pleasure considering there’s about a foot of space between their strides. Rather lukewarm American summer than hot and wet. AL.
You shouldn’t have sex with your son’s fiancé. But you definitely shouldn’t do that if it ends up looking this bad. Jeremy Irons lunges at Juliette Binoche like a giant bear before dragging her across the carpet (think the burns). No wonder she said she didn’t like it when his dangling limbs touched her. AL.
If these walls could talk 2
If these walls could talk, they would say please stop having sex with Dido. You’d also have something to say about the endless, sticky footage of hands sliding across skin, pulling hair, and disappearing under the covers. It’s so humid I’m surprised Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone aren’t dripping off the bed onto the floor. AL.
What women Want
What a lot of women not Want is a sex scene starring Mel Gibson. What women want even less is to see a scene with so many clichés: a man talking to his penis in the bathroom. A light that comes on when you clap. A woman wailing so loud you can’t tell if she’s been hit by a truck or is in the midst of an orgasm. AL.
Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” is a great song, but it’s certainly not sexy. GuardianIn the widely ridiculed 2011 sex scene, Malin Akerman unzips a latex chest piece to the song’s lyrics, “Now I’ve heard there was a secret chord David played and it pleased the Lord.” be happy. AL.
That’s terribly bad, but not because it’s a bad scene. Even more so because you have to watch Rosamund Pike’s insane killer slit a man’s throat while he’s still inside it. And then you have to watch as the blood from his throat soaks it red. And then you have to watch her spin for a few more seconds before you realize that necrophilia is a little too typical even for a psychopath like her. AL.