How to orgasm: Why feeling safe is the ultimate ingredient

Enter the scene: you are about to put it on. The sexy playlist is covered. But what about the feeling of emotional security?

“He’s definitely doing a good job. Why am I not yet flying off the face of the earth before a staggeringly delicious orgasm?” – Me, too many times. Maybe you’ve been there too: you’re hitting all the right spots and you’re really close, but something isn’t quite right. The logical brain says your eyes should roll back in pleasure right now, but unfortunately your body knows something the mind doesn’t.

So what’s the deal? He knows how to do it perfect flutter thing with his tongue – shouldn’t be enough! My goodness. The thing is, so much of truly delicious sex boils down to feeling safe. And without that, achieving that oh-so-velvety orgasm can be difficult.

Assuming we’ve caught your attention, here’s why feeling safe is the ultimate ingredient in an incredibly good orgasm.

Sexual skills are important, but…

… A well-calculated friction cannot always make it. Whether consciously or in total denial, a lack of emotional security—even in subtle ways—can thwart our enjoyment. Combine that with the fact that some people try work the clitoris like an aggressive techno DJ set, and it becomes a bonafide (or rather tough?) mission to find someone who ticks all the boxes. The orgasm gap(Opens in a new tab) in cis-gender heterosexual sex is real where men climax significantly more often than women. One learn(Opens in a new tab) proved this concept after surveying over 100 heterosexual couples.

Lena Elkhatib, a sex and relationship therapist who founded Essentia Therapy(Opens in a new tab), explains, “To have an orgasm, we need to be able to present the sensation of pleasure in our body and be relaxed enough to allow ourselves to relax at climax.” The TLDR version is that there is quite a lot going on behind the scenes. “When we feel unsafe, our brains are on high alert, tuned in and ready to respond to any threats. It puts us in a state of heightened fear and keeps us alert,” concludes Elkhatib.

when you find yourself Viewers(Opens in a new tab) During sex – by focusing on yourself from a third party’s perspective and not on the sensations or your partner – hold back. Maybe you’re just not that into them…or maybe your mind is just a chronic wanderer. Either way, an orgasm is surrender to pleasure, and that includes adjusting to the moment. I can’t think of a sexier waving of the white flag. Emotional safety, however, is easier said than done. Sometimes it takes a little psychological introspection to figure out how to get in and out of our heads Hm Places that make the magic happen.

Where feelings of insecurity might come from

Say it again louder for those in the background: comfort is an important component to letting the rolling waves of joy carry you into the wonderland of O-Land. You might even think, “Me Am comfortable”—but unconsciously something disturbing is going on. Feelings of insecurity (both conscious and unconscious) can arise from a variety of reasons: toxic relationships; abusive, critical, or judgmental partners; embedded sexual shame; past traumatic experiences; or risky sex, such as not using birth control or condoms.

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How is it possible think we feel safe, but actually not? Well, tons of us out here live in our heads (including me, I’m working on it) while neglecting physical signs. Elkhatib elaborates, “We may not always be aware that we feel insecure, especially in cases of chronic trauma where insecurity becomes the baseline. Our bodies don’t lie, so if you’re feeling uncomfortable or anxious about sex, it’s probably a good idea to do a self-check-in.” Put yourself first here.

Trusting that gut feeling is everything. I don’t care how sexy they are; When something in your body screams “red flag,” don’t ignore it. And when you communicate discomfort to a partner who then disregards your feelings—that’s basically a dump truck full of red flags.

Elkhatib continues, “If you’re feeling insecure but can’t pinpoint exactly why, sex therapy can be a great way to get to the bottom of the control to have an orgasm, stop and listen to what’s going on trying to say.” As much as we might like, we just can’t overthink the body’s natural responses. We just need to stop, tune in, and dig a little deeper to understand.

The science behind the psychology of an orgasm

It turns out I’m not the only one practically shouting from the rooftops about this concept. There is science (and presumably some professionals in lab coats) to back this up. One learn(Opens in a new tab) set out to investigate whether orgasmic pleasure is more dependent on psychological or physical factors, eventually discovering that climax is “related more to cognitive-affective than sensory aspects of the orgasmic experience.” Grab a megaphone with me and announce to the world: feelings of emotional security are a game changer in the sheets.

In contrast, when we perceive a threat, the body basically says, “Yeah, not today,” dumbing down the ability to stimulate genital arousal. Aliyah Moore, Sex Therapist at Sexual Alpha(Opens in a new tab), an adult toy store and educational website, breaks it down: “Sexual desire and orgasm are influenced by the brain and nervous system, which affect the sex glands and genitals. The parasympathetic nervous system, which helps us remain calm, also stimulates genital arousal and orgasm, as well as improved skin sensitivity and responsiveness to touch.” It’s a real make-or-break situation.

How to create a connection where sensory takeover feels safe

You could close your eyes in a crowded bar and instantly feel a deep, magnetic allure. Like most of us, I have at some point misinterpreted the desire for a deeper connection. And sometimes it still works beautifully, but it’s not as sustainable. A deep connection and emotional security are built over time. Whether you’re looking like a heart-eyed emoji around a new lover or trying to deepen trust with your long-term partner, there are ways to create a comfortable, safe environment to allow for even deeper sensory adoption — or rather, Bombshell AF orgasms.

It starts with how we communicate. Rachel Wright, Psychotherapist and Sex Educator Zumio(Opens in a new tab)encourages consistent communication: “When we talk about things, we stay connected. If we don’t do that and assume people know how we feel, what we want, or anything else — that’s a recipe for not feeling close or safe with our partners. ”

Spill those sexy beans! And while you’re at it, you’ll get a little withdrawn – mindful sex is where it is. Attuning to the sensations and listening to our bodies gives us a much more complete experience of pleasure. “Think about what gives you security. If you don’t know what will help you feel secure, it will be difficult for your partner to give you that. Take the time to write it down and talk to your partner(s). about it – ideally they do too!” Wright adds.

Emotional connection begins before the bedroom

But, you know what Really brings me further? Emotional connection before sex is even on the table. The feeling of being understood breeds trust outside of the bedroom, and on top of that, attraction is slowly brewing – well, This is hot – as the legendary Paris Hilton would say. Moving slowly can be so damn sexy.

David Tzall, a NYC resident psychologist(Opens in a new tab), explains why this can be such a positive scenario: “Emotional bonds are built over a lifetime in small acts of kindness. Someone who is thinking about picking up their partner’s shoes because they care can bring closeness as the person feels heard and seen with their needs. If couples want more emotional closeness in the bedroom, it has to start outside.” Kindness is a beautiful thing—whether you’ve been together for years or end up in bed together at 4 a.m. after a night of drinking.

Remember folks: it’s all about the journey, not the destination.