‘I got tiny’, Charlie Brooks says losing 2st for 2005 keep-fit video had ‘a long-term negative impact’ on body image

Much of my life has been plagued by a lack of self-confidence.

I’ve always feared not being good enough, both professionally and personally – a feeling of not quite belonging held me back and prevented me from fulfilling my potential.

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Winning the role of Janine Butcher in EastEnders at 17 in 1999 meant I didn’t go to drama school – and a lot of the insecurity I’ve felt throughout my career stems from that.

I’ve often wondered if I really deserve to be where I am.

Outside of work, as a parent, I have endlessly doubted myself.

My daughter Kiki [with ex Tony Truman, 55] is 18 and about to start her own acting career and is studying acting at New York University.

Our relationship during their teenage years was turbulent and I felt like a failure as a mother.

I had this fantasy that after taking care of this baby we would do all these wonderful things together.

But what happened instead was this brutal rejection where Kiki screamed for her own identity and I took everything personally and wondered why my daughter didn’t love me!

I also had a difficult relationship with my body, to the point where I could no longer walk past a mirror without mentally beating myself up.

I would describe myself as a “disgusting fat bitch” and feel nothing but hate.

Years ago I published a fitness video and became very small – it had a lasting negative effect on my body image.

All of these swirling factors created a perfect storm and as I approached 40 I was at a breaking point – I needed something to change, but I didn’t know how to do it.

Quitting alcohol in 2020 proved to be a big part of the transformative years.

I love to drink, I love to party, but I’ve found myself choosing that over other things.

I would describe myself as a “disgusting fat bitch” and feel nothing but hate.

Charlie Brooks

Quitting alcohol allowed me to find out what was going on in my head without distraction.

Over the last three years I’ve gotten to know, trust and even like myself – and that has given me the courage to leave my comfort zone and dare new adventures.

The first big step was starting the online acting school Iampro with my brother Ben and sister-in-law Emma.

I’ve always been passionate about creating an alternative path for people trying to break into an elite industry that calls for raw talent.

As a mentor, I’ve had to overcome my squeamishness about doing things like Instagram videos, and I’ve learned to believe in myself — I have experiences to share that are valuable to people trying to break into acting.

I had never run a business before, but the more I showed up, the more confidence I gained.

I’ve also learned to be kinder to myself.

My body isn’t perfect, but it gave birth to a baby and that’s a beautiful thing.

I’ve also found the confidence to venture into a whole new territory – sexual wellness.

Since lockdown I’ve been working to create a female stimulation toy that is unique on the market and it pays to be brave enough to try.

Casting in the touring production of Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean At The End Of The Lane at the National Theater was another boost.

The role of Ursula came about as I was preparing to leave EastEnders.

Quitting alcohol allowed me to find out what was going on in my head without distraction.

Charlie Brooks

I am grateful to be working with such a brilliant team and after spending my entire career thinking that I would never be good enough to perform with The National, I now feel a part of it.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely eliminate self-doubt — and I don’t want to, because it’s important to be vulnerable.

But I have days when I wake up and I’m like, ‘I can’t do this. I don’t want to indulge myself out there.” I have a toolbox of tricks to help me wade through those moments. I don’t allow them to hold me down or limit me.

A few years ago I was scared of my 40s. I felt scared and lost.

But now it’s like I’m having this amazing love affair with myself — and I think this decade is going to be my favorite decade.

• The U Self Love Stimulator is available from Ann Summers.

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