PETER KAY turns 50 tomorrow and we have some of his best jokes to celebrate this milestone.
The Bolton-born comedian has been making us cry with laughter since he rose to fame with 1999’s ‘That Peter Kay Thing.’ He then set records with his arena tours and got the nation singing along with the charity release of “Is This The Way To Amarillo.”
Alex Lloyd shares the best gags and one-liners he’s told over the years.
A FRIEND of mine was blown away by a mobile library. He was lying on the road screaming and the driver got out and said, “Shh!”
A MAN went to the doctor with a steering wheel in his underpants. The doctor said, “What happened?” The man said, “I don’t know, but it’s driving me crazy.”
I ordered a take away meal last night. I said: “Do you deliver?”. They said, “No, we make lamb, chicken and fish.”
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Great. Biggish who? No, not today, thank you.
I’m in a great mood tonight because I entered a competition the other day and won a year’s supply of Marmite – a jar.
WHAT is black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. I called her to make an appointment, but unfortunately her clogs burst.
HOW does Bob Marley like his donuts? We are there.
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt that said “Guess.” I said, “Thyroid problem?”
When you eat a banana, you never know what to look for.
IF quizzes are quizzes, what are tests?
WHY is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, “My name is Peter and I’m an alcoholic”?
TWO Eskimos sitting in a kayak were cold. But when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it up.
A SANDWICH walks into a bar. The barman says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
MY dad always said, “Always fight fire with fire.” That’s probably why he got kicked out of the fire department.
He said, “You remind me of a pepper shaker.” I said, “I’ll use that as a spice.”
WHY does mineral water that has flowed through mountains for centuries have an expiration date?
TWO fish in a tank. One says, “How do you drive this thing?”
I went to the local supermarket. I said, “I want to file a complaint. This vinegar has lumps.” He said, “Those are pickled onions.”
“SO a truckload of turtles crashed into a train full of terrapins. I thought, “This is a turtle disaster.”
A little boy says to his grandfather, “Can you make sounds like a frog?” He says, “Why?” He replies, “Because my dad says if you croak, we’re going to Florida.”
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE went into a pub. The innkeeper said, “Out, you bard.”
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and there a duck with a red rose came up to me and said, “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said, “Mr. Waiter, I asked for a romantic duck.”
THIS guy says to me, “Can I come over to your house and have a look at your carpets?” I thought, “That’s all I need.” Witnessing a vacuum cleaner.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not in putting it in a fruit salad.