People say my friend i should wear a bra and cover our mom bellies but we dont care because were still hot
Author’s note: I wanted to clarify my terminology out of respect for the gender non-conforming community. When I say “men,” I am specifically referring to transgender men. When I say “women” – I am referring to transgender women, the only identity I can meaningfully refer to. I think it’s important to distinguish these differences because gender identity is fluid and we don’t live in a binary world. We cannot continue to create such barriers in the language we use, which is why it is necessary to clarify what a person means when they speak in such generalities. In essence, not acknowledging the existence of identities that don’t fit into the conventional binary is deeply uncomfortable.
My first sexual revelation as a woman happened my sophomore year of high school when I stopped wearing a bra. It’s scary. I was a “skinny” flat-chested girl with chicken legs and everyone around me growing up always made sure I knew that. I was bullied in middle school because my body was a standard “healthy” weight, and the last thing I wanted was for my unsavory legacy to continue into high school. To wear a bra or not to wear a bra: it was a decision that I went back and forth on at least 1,000 times and finally culminated in a split-second action before I left for school that morning.
When I finally arrived, I took off all my layers to avoid the harsh winter months in Chicago. I’m just a young girl with a black and white block patterned dress. Exposed for the world to see. Except I don’t want to be seen. I’m afraid people will notice my chest looks a little flatter than usual. I start my day with first period, then second period, and so on. No one said a word. It feels good. Maybe it’s not as noticeable as I thought. Maybe I have nothing to be ashamed of. I quickly went from being afraid of revealing my natural figure to having an opinion about it.
Just a week after I stopped wearing a bra, I was so much more confident in my body – in myself. I started wearing shirts, to be more obvious I wasn’t wearing a bra – nothing too crazy – just a fitted shirt. One day, when I was in the cafeteria with my friends, a guidance counselor came up to me and said, “Your nipples are sticking out.” I didn’t know anything about the meaning of her comment, but I assumed it was a positive comment so I said bluntly, “Thank you.” She replied, “No, that means they are projecting,” and I again said, “Thank you.”
I’m really not trying to be funny – I really take it as a compliment because I’m in a phase of my life where I’m trying to embrace my natural shape and I think a woman is in a position to Higher wisdom will support that. I was so wrong. She told me to put on my coat or I would be kicked out of the facility. So I grabbed my coat, stood up and walked out. The counselor followed and I met three security guards and my principal – a woman. She explained to me that their policy was to protect me from predators. I explained that it was not my job to comply to protect myself. She said – and I remember this quite clearly – “If you go before the judge having been raped, you will be guilty of seducing them.”
I can’t make this up. I wish I was like that. An administrator working in a learning organization told me this. I can not believe it. It’s humiliating. This was the first time I had my body criminalized by an authority figure. It won’t be the last. This was the beginning of a tumultuous road ahead where I would have to fight for my autonomy.
The fact that a woman, whom I should respect, said such vile things to me proves that patriarchy is deeply ingrained in all of us – both men and women. Patriarchy can be defined as a society in which “men hold positions of power and have more privileges: heads of the family unit, leaders of social groups, bosses at workplace and head of government. In patriarchy, men also have hierarchy.” To be clear, patriarchy is harmful to men and disrupts their development as human beings. Make no mistake, I am not saying that women are to blame for the suffering we go through. But I am saying that we all reinforce patriarchal pressures in our lives without even realizing it.
Patriarchy shows its face everywhere you go. It’s just a matter of recognizing it. See, that’s the thing with men – when you call them misogynists, they immediately become defensive because they think you’re accusing them of some kind of hate crime. Sometimes this is true, but it doesn’t have to be to the point of extremely hating women that men tend to look down on women.
Furthermore, if you are a man, you are perpetuating the patriarchy simply by existing. The privilege you hold as a man won’t go away just because you acknowledge women’s conflict. You still have an obligation to always be aware of how the space you occupy impacts the women around you. There is nothing you can do to eliminate your male privilege, but instead, you can use it to uplift the women around you. Even if you think you’re a particularly progressive person, remembering to check your privilege is most important.
To the men reading this: You hold power over women in the job market and take away their opportunities. You are more likely to be heard in group conversations and suppress women’s voices. You are more likely to be taken seriously by your doctor and therefore, in general, you receive more effective and efficient medical treatment. Most importantly: your willingness to believe in this phenomenon does not change the fact that you experienced it. The reality of this situation is that you unwittingly benefit from the oppressive injustice that women have to endure.
There’s almost nothing you can do to get rid of it. Does that mean you shouldn’t do anything to be a decent human being to the women in your life? Absolutely not. You should always strive to be aware of the privilege you hold. We live in constant fear of being a victim – the least you can do is walk through the world with the acknowledgment of that.
If you are now thinking that women are strong, independent creatures who can conquer anything – you are not wrong, but you are missing the point. That kind of circular reasoning puts the onus on the woman to stop her oppression while ignoring the fact that much of her suffering is beyond her control. I cannot begin to explain how much we understand the patriarchal forces in our lives and how much it hurts us to know that my existence will always be attributed to a man. decision. No matter how extreme I try, no matter how many “social rules” I break, I will always be subject to the patriarchy.
We live in a man’s world. We have formed a generational society in which men are at the forefront and women are at the back. Can you blame me for feeling so helpless?
After all, women have to fight alone in this war. I don’t care how progressive you think you are as a man – you’re still a misogynist or misogynist. To illustrate this, let’s look at a common misconception about the dating scene: the friend zone. If you claim to be in the “friend zone” with a woman you just met – that’s misconduct. You are classifying your relationship with a woman based on whether or not you are successful in your pursuit of seducing her. This reasoning wrongly blames women for exercising their right to say no. It devalues the woman’s feelings in a relationship because it implies that the woman owes the man something in return for his supposed kindness. It’s an explanation used by insecure men to blame women for being rejected. It reinforces the objectification of women when you assume that treating a woman you care about kindly should be reciprocated with those feelings. More generally, if you use language like “girly” to describe gender-neutral objects or activities – that’s misconduct. If you don’t make eye contact with women during large group discussions – that’s misbehavior. If you refer to a person in a position of authority and use the pronouns he/him – that’s misconduct, etc.
It is woven into the fabric of your very existence. None of us can escape it – not even me. I had internalized misconceptions about women that I didn’t even have the mental capacity to understand, let alone liberate myself from.
I still often wonder if my clothes are too revealing. Should you shave your armpits before going out? Whether I look “feminine enough” or not. Am I “one of the guys”? Should I say sorry without doing anything to warrant an apology? Should I feel bad for having an active sex life? Should I hold men to higher standards in the bedroom?
I spent my entire life fighting against the patriarchal forces in my life that were preventing me from fully embracing my body and spirit. How can you, as a man, escape this simple truth?
I will say that I greatly admire men who make an active effort to check their male privilege. However, sometimes men confuse their intention to protect us from this sick world with allyship when they may just be explaining our own experiences to us. My favorite thing is when a man tries to tell me how terrible other men are. Then they start recommending different types of weapons for you to keep with you next time. Next time? Yes, next time. They assumed there would be a next time and they weren’t wrong about that. But it’s not your job to prepare me for the next predator. Your job, as a man, is to teach the men around you how to respect women, how not to be predators. Next time your boyfriend leaves a party, remember to tell him not to rape someone on the way out the same way you tell your female friend to be on the lookout on the way home. People do not need to use clear language to convey messages. Violations against women happen so often that we assume they are normal.
To exist as a woman is to not feel safe walking alone at night. Existing as a woman means being told that your body is an obstacle to a man’s academic success. To exist as a woman is to crave intimacy but be ashamed to embrace it. To exist as a woman is to be treated as an object – an object that can be used over and over again without due care and can be replaced with ease. To exist as a woman, you have to be told that you can’t wear that outfit because he’s going to dinner. Living as a woman means wanting to be desired by men but being afraid to let them in because you often disappoint them. To exist as a woman is to question your worth if you fail to please the male gaze, as if that were even possible.
If you’re a woman, have you ever stopped going out because your legs weren’t shaved? Patriarchy. Have you ever been afraid of being desired by men? Patriarchy. Have you ever felt gross talking about your period in public? Patriarchy. Have you ever not worn something to an event because it was “too much”? Patriarchy. Have you ever lowered your voice in a room full of men even when you really wanted to say something? Patriarchy. Have you ever felt like it was your fault when a man approached you for no reason? You guessed it… patriarchy!!!
I am sick and tired of being told “this is just the world we live in” or “you have to be realistic” every time I choose to wear a g-string and continue to complain about the level of objectification we experience . It’s not our fault that we’re so sexy. It is also not my responsibility to censor my physical expression if I think I may be assaulted. The patriarchy has taken away my power in all sorts of ways. I have the right to keep this.
I suppose part of my purpose in saying this is to make this clear to all men reading: know your place. Stop assuming you’re a feminist just because you support women’s rights. I don’t care about your opinion. You have no right to speak. Not here.
Oh, yes! How do you feel when your power is taken away? How do you feel when your existence is centered around your gender and used against you?
Don’t tell me about that. This world has taught me to be ashamed of myself. I’m tired of being told I’m too loud. I’m tired of being told I’m sexually deviant. I’m tired of being afraid to wear clothes that make me feel good. I’m tired of my value being predetermined. I’m tired of being considered a slut. At least in male terms, which I understand to be: a woman “degrading” herself by engaging in and enjoying her sexuality. If that’s the case then I love being a slut. To me, there’s nothing more empowering than embracing my sexual desires and expressing them publicly — even if I only encounter resistance from my peers. I enjoy knowing that people don’t accept my lifestyle. If being a proper young woman means denying your humanity, then I’d rather be an obnoxious whore.
